Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Embracing the Ashes...

It is Ash Wednesday. I have never celebrated Ash Wednesday. Being raised a Church of Christ girl – I never even really knew what it was. I stayed on one side of the fence and felt comfortable not knowing what was on the other. But today I am taking the time to learn….Whether you celebrate it as a religious holiday or not, its symbolism stands strong. It is a day of repentance - A day of newness - A day of change. And - yet again - it brings me to face my thoughts. Repentance….sounds like it belongs in a pew doesn’t it? But does it? What does "repentance" really mean? Prior to the Christian meaning we have inherited - the Classical Greek word "metanoia" meant something maybe a little different. It meant this: Changing one’s mind or heart about someone or something. In short – it is a molding of the heart or the mind into something different.

Powerful – don’t you think? I have found that, with myself, if I try to change my WILL before having a change of my HEART – then my actions will almost always repeat themselves. Almost always. And, in the end, I will be left disappointed in myself all over again....and again....and again. Kinda breeds a bit of shamefulness. The WILL continues to act according to its nature until the HEART is changed.

ASH WEDNESDAY: Wikipedia is an amazing animal……

“Ash Wednesday gets its name from a practice of placing ashes on the forehead of the faithful as a sign of repentance. As the priest makes the sign of the cross on the forehead of the participant he often recites: “Remember, oh man, that you are dust and to dust you shall return” Dust. Ashes. Ashes in ancient times were used as an expression of mourning and a sorrow for faults. SORROW – for faults. Godly Sorrow – often referred to as GUILT. A word we stray away from and try to avoid. It’s a shame, I think. Speaking first hand, the pain of our past choices causes us to do one of two things. We either stand or fall. Really - two choices. You see, having experienced a lot of it....God has taught me much about GUILT. In short he has taught me this:

The purpose of guilt is to change a heart and to bring us closer to the arms of God. In God's beautiful plan, he allowed us to sin - not with hopes that we would live in shame - but with longings that our hearts would be pricked, we would feel sorrow, come to him to ask forgiveness and comfort, and then to burn. BURN? Yep.Those who work in metals call it Refining. You see, the hope is that acting outside of Love would touch us deeply enough to spur a desire to be more Loving. To ask God to burn away anything that looks Loveless. But instead we run away from the essence of Love -into Darkness. Instead of drawing closer to Him to take a deeper look into finding how to be changed, we hide in the bushes. What's in the bushes? It's this great thing called Shame. Shame is basically being immersed in Guilt. It kills.

Leaving yourself in Shame can result in death to your spirit. If there's something that needs a warning label - its Shame. Its stopping in the Quicksand of Sorry and never finding the Joy on the other end. Joy? Yes sir. There is nothing better than the feeling of a 4 mile run after you have eaten four time what you should have at the dinner table - yes? Yes. Kinda like that. Guilt plus Sorrow plus Change equals finding a nestling place closer in the arms of God that you have never found before - because you have used the very thing that caused you both pain to bring you closer to His heart. Kinda like when you say something you totally regret in an argument to someone you love dearly and then you come back in True Sorrow to apologize. And then there is........The Embrace........and then there is The Smile.......and then there is The Kiss.

That, my friend - is winning. That is standing in the face of the enemy. That - is Embracing the Ashes.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Naked Storms

The first great moment that I remember was when I was three years old– a storm – I tore my clothes and ran out in it – and I have been doing that in storms ever since”….Kahlil Gibran

Reuniting to Norah, Lost in Gibran, and cuddled up next to the fire……I sit. Loving this quote as it reminds me of my first time to see the ocean. We didn’t get out much when I was a kid - unless you count the woods behind my house and the tobacco patches in the summer. If you count that – we were out all the time : ) (I loved that about my childhood) But to see the ocean.....that was a big deal. I think I was maybe 12? Don’t know. We had taken our first big vacation. I just remember being so excited that I ran out into the ocean with my clothes on. I couldn’t wait to get out of the car – couldn’t get the door open fast enough. When it opened, I started running as fast as I could and, all of a sudden, I was waist up in salty water. Sweet Salty Water. Sweet.

Kinda like a storm – only different.

Having just come off of an incredible benefit, hearing the pain of Congo finally getting recognition on NBC, and knowing some dear brothers, Sean and David, will soon be returning to Goma within a matters of days – it causes many memories to flood back to my mind. I have been in recent contact with a great pastor there in Congo. Pastor Kivy. Wise Wise Man. He said it was good to hear from me because he had felt abandoned.

Abandoned.

Exile haunts me. I don’t mean an organization or an NGO or a non-profit. I mean the presence of Exile. The feeling – the perception – the exsistence. The word. I opened the book I was reading tonight and this is what I read,

“I am a stranger in this world. I am a stranger in my exile. There is a grim isolation and a painful loneliness, yet it makes me ever think of a magical homeland that I do not know. Exile makes me dream with phantoms of a distant land that my eyes have not seen” On the plane ride into Uganda, I picked up my bible and starting reading…..one of my favorite verses. Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Such a common verse in common place. But my eyes went up a little higher on the page this time. To the text title…It said this “A letter to the Exiles”

It gets deeper. That same day was the first day I walked into Village of Hope Uganda – a safe house for 19 orphans. All of which had been formally abducted children, most of which had seen their parents killed, some of which were forced to kill their parents. After being individually hugged and loved by each one, we walked in the house and I saw a verse painted on the wall. Surrounded by flowers and rainbows and butterflies, it read as such,

“ For I know the plans I have for you….” Jerimiah 29:11. And you know the rest : )

Yeah – it is all around me. Those who have been forced to run from rebels and tribal wars to safety, those who have been born and raised in a displacement camp for fear of returning home, scriptures talking about hope of the homeless, forgiveness for the heartness, or even clients I see who are emotionally as lost as are those children wandering the bush of Africa.

Exile

Is it a powerful word – or is it just me?

If intimacy is the opposite of isolation and isolation at its deepest form is the death of the Spirit – then exile is just that. It is the core of isolation and the absence of intimacy – of connection – of togetherness. It is being lost - and the answer then becomes simple:

Being Found – Finding Warmth – Discovering Being Loved – Living Loved

The most precious definition of intimacy I have heard it simply this:

IN - TO - ME - SEE

Do you? See Me? Will I let you? Do I trust you? Will you love me if you do? I have learned to value this word, and come to realize that without the ability to be real about our deepest secrets and in our deepest pain with the truest loved ones – we will never be found. And if we are never found - then are we not really just…..lost? Here is the beautiful part. You ready? He Does. And Does. And Does.

He Sees – The Core – The Secrets – The Pain – and what does he do with it? He Loves. And Loves. And Loves. Wishing you to let Him love you more. Wishing for you to love yourself and to fine love in living. Does that mean that he agrees with every choice we make? Not at all – not even close. I’m sure he would love to come down and kick the tail sometimes : ) But I do know this – there is nothing that we could ever do that would cause Him to stop loving us. THAT is TRUE LOVE. Nothing that any human love can even begin to touch. And as we are loved – he wishes for us to love others. The Broken, the Bruised, The Beaten. The Orphans. The Widows. The Exiled. Those dear ones that Sean and David and Jonathan will be with soon. We love them with you. We love them through you. Love them back. So as I listen to Norah sing “You humble me, Lord.” I think….yes you do. And may we be. May we, Lord, humble our spirits before we are humbled. It's so much better doing it the first way : )

Gibran writes: “I write in verse life’s prose, and in prose life’s verse. This I am a stranger, and will remain a stranger until death snatches me away and carries me to my homeland.”

But until then – my prayer for you is to seek True Love. That we find the Strength to be Real and discover an Intimacy that defeats Isolation, and an Authenticity that defies Death. Fueling Life – Feeding Hope - Loving the loveless. Loving.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

I am changed....

Sitting outside of an Irish Pub in the southerness of Franklin, TN, I pretend I am back in Boulder. Imagining the bricked-laden streets of The Pearl, seeing the Flatirons hovering over me in their protection - and I long. Taking a day away from the "fundraiser frantic" to peer far into the heart of God and to find a bit of respite. Couples pass by me on the sidewalk holding hands - dads and daughters, newly found loves, and seasoned coupleship. The voices of dogs barking come sporadically, a street sayer plays his music to my left with his audience sitting around him on the pavement - and the sounds of cyclers who have broken out the Harley for the 60 degree day come and go. A playful youth across the street puts down her red purse to jump on the back of her boyfriend. He tucks her up, grabs her purse and they both begin to run.....laughing along the way, passing a old southern gentleman of about 80 who is sporting his Sunday hat and his well-used cain. He walks past them as slow as the young lovers are running. Two worlds passing each other on a sidewalk surrounded by a sunny day - both smiling.

Setting aside some time today to update my blog-journal of my latest trip, I take a moment to think about what this past year has brought me and I am amazed. This time last year I was freshly grieving the loss of my first patient to suicide. I pray it will be my last. Just a few days after her death, i had written a letter to her family stating my desire to start a non-profit in her honor. Never dreaming it would turn out as it has - taking a mind of its own. Since that time one year ago, my heart has been broken at an even deeper level after traveling to four different African countries and spending precious time with the Lord in two others - and I am changed. In more ways than I can even begin to put into words.

This past year has forced me to look into the eyes of Pain, Darkness, Evil, and Raw Hopelessness. Forced to either look away or to refuse to. I refused. The Darkness beckoning me into Sadness - but my God pursuing me with his songs to look past it. Past it - into His eyes. What did I see? Upon first glance? Pure confusion. Unanswered questions. But after settling my stare-off? Hope. I found Hope.

And I am thankful.

Lord, I know not what this next year will bring. Somehow I think it will be a bit mind-blowing. Regardless of it if it is or if it isn't, one think I know is that you will lead. I pledge to be on the back burner and for you to be the Flame. Remind me in those times of fretting that it is not about me at all. You are God and I am Not and everything else is scenery.

For I am forever and always,

Yours, b