It is Ash Wednesday. I have never celebrated Ash Wednesday. Being raised a Church of Christ girl – I never even really knew what it was. I stayed on one side of the fence and felt comfortable not knowing what was on the other. But today I am taking the time to learn….Whether you celebrate it as a religious holiday or not, its symbolism stands strong. It is a day of repentance - A day of newness - A day of change. And - yet again - it brings me to face my thoughts. Repentance….sounds like it belongs in a pew doesn’t it? But does it? What does "repentance" really mean? Prior to the Christian meaning we have inherited - the Classical Greek word "metanoia" meant something maybe a little different. It meant this: Changing one’s mind or heart about someone or something. In short – it is a molding of the heart or the mind into something different.
Powerful – don’t you think? I have found that, with myself, if I try to change my WILL before having a change of my HEART – then my actions will almost always repeat themselves. Almost always. And, in the end, I will be left disappointed in myself all over again....and again....and again. Kinda breeds a bit of shamefulness. The WILL continues to act according to its nature until the HEART is changed.
ASH WEDNESDAY: Wikipedia is an amazing animal……
“Ash Wednesday gets its name from a practice of placing ashes on the forehead of the faithful as a sign of repentance. As the priest makes the sign of the cross on the forehead of the participant he often recites: “Remember, oh man, that you are dust and to dust you shall return” Dust. Ashes. Ashes in ancient times were used as an expression of mourning and a sorrow for faults. SORROW – for faults. Godly Sorrow – often referred to as GUILT. A word we stray away from and try to avoid. It’s a shame, I think. Speaking first hand, the pain of our past choices causes us to do one of two things. We either stand or fall. Really - two choices. You see, having experienced a lot of it....God has taught me much about GUILT. In short he has taught me this:
The purpose of guilt is to change a heart and to bring us closer to the arms of God. In God's beautiful plan, he allowed us to sin - not with hopes that we would live in shame - but with longings that our hearts would be pricked, we would feel sorrow, come to him to ask forgiveness and comfort, and then to burn. BURN? Yep.Those who work in metals call it Refining. You see, the hope is that acting outside of Love would touch us deeply enough to spur a desire to be more Loving. To ask God to burn away anything that looks Loveless. But instead we run away from the essence of Love -into Darkness. Instead of drawing closer to Him to take a deeper look into finding how to be changed, we hide in the bushes. What's in the bushes? It's this great thing called Shame. Shame is basically being immersed in Guilt. It kills.
Leaving yourself in Shame can result in death to your spirit. If there's something that needs a warning label - its Shame. Its stopping in the Quicksand of Sorry and never finding the Joy on the other end. Joy? Yes sir. There is nothing better than the feeling of a 4 mile run after you have eaten four time what you should have at the dinner table - yes? Yes. Kinda like that. Guilt plus Sorrow plus Change equals finding a nestling place closer in the arms of God that you have never found before - because you have used the very thing that caused you both pain to bring you closer to His heart. Kinda like when you say something you totally regret in an argument to someone you love dearly and then you come back in True Sorrow to apologize. And then there is........The Embrace........and then there is The Smile.......and then there is The Kiss.
That, my friend - is winning. That is standing in the face of the enemy. That - is Embracing the Ashes.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Naked Storms
The first great moment that I remember was when I was three years old– a storm – I tore my clothes and ran out in it – and I have been doing that in storms ever since”….Kahlil Gibran
Reuniting to Norah, Lost in Gibran, and cuddled up next to the fire……I sit. Loving this quote as it reminds me of my first time to see the ocean. We didn’t get out much when I was a kid - unless you count the woods behind my house and the tobacco patches in the summer. If you count that – we were out all the time : ) (I loved that about my childhood) But to see the ocean.....that was a big deal. I think I was maybe 12? Don’t know. We had taken our first big vacation. I just remember being so excited that I ran out into the ocean with my clothes on. I couldn’t wait to get out of the car – couldn’t get the door open fast enough. When it opened, I started running as fast as I could and, all of a sudden, I was waist up in salty water. Sweet Salty Water. Sweet.
Kinda like a storm – only different.
Having just come off of an incredible benefit, hearing the pain of Congo finally getting recognition on NBC, and knowing some dear brothers, Sean and David, will soon be returning to Goma within a matters of days – it causes many memories to flood back to my mind. I have been in recent contact with a great pastor there in Congo. Pastor Kivy. Wise Wise Man. He said it was good to hear from me because he had felt abandoned.
Abandoned.
Exile haunts me. I don’t mean an organization or an NGO or a non-profit. I mean the presence of Exile. The feeling – the perception – the exsistence. The word. I opened the book I was reading tonight and this is what I read,
“I am a stranger in this world. I am a stranger in my exile. There is a grim isolation and a painful loneliness, yet it makes me ever think of a magical homeland that I do not know. Exile makes me dream with phantoms of a distant land that my eyes have not seen” On the plane ride into Uganda, I picked up my bible and starting reading…..one of my favorite verses. Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Such a common verse in common place. But my eyes went up a little higher on the page this time. To the text title…It said this “A letter to the Exiles”
It gets deeper. That same day was the first day I walked into Village of Hope Uganda – a safe house for 19 orphans. All of which had been formally abducted children, most of which had seen their parents killed, some of which were forced to kill their parents. After being individually hugged and loved by each one, we walked in the house and I saw a verse painted on the wall. Surrounded by flowers and rainbows and butterflies, it read as such,
“ For I know the plans I have for you….” Jerimiah 29:11. And you know the rest : )
Yeah – it is all around me. Those who have been forced to run from rebels and tribal wars to safety, those who have been born and raised in a displacement camp for fear of returning home, scriptures talking about hope of the homeless, forgiveness for the heartness, or even clients I see who are emotionally as lost as are those children wandering the bush of Africa.
Exile
Is it a powerful word – or is it just me?
If intimacy is the opposite of isolation and isolation at its deepest form is the death of the Spirit – then exile is just that. It is the core of isolation and the absence of intimacy – of connection – of togetherness. It is being lost - and the answer then becomes simple:
Being Found – Finding Warmth – Discovering Being Loved – Living Loved
The most precious definition of intimacy I have heard it simply this:
IN - TO - ME - SEE
Do you? See Me? Will I let you? Do I trust you? Will you love me if you do? I have learned to value this word, and come to realize that without the ability to be real about our deepest secrets and in our deepest pain with the truest loved ones – we will never be found. And if we are never found - then are we not really just…..lost? Here is the beautiful part. You ready? He Does. And Does. And Does.
He Sees – The Core – The Secrets – The Pain – and what does he do with it? He Loves. And Loves. And Loves. Wishing you to let Him love you more. Wishing for you to love yourself and to fine love in living. Does that mean that he agrees with every choice we make? Not at all – not even close. I’m sure he would love to come down and kick the tail sometimes : ) But I do know this – there is nothing that we could ever do that would cause Him to stop loving us. THAT is TRUE LOVE. Nothing that any human love can even begin to touch. And as we are loved – he wishes for us to love others. The Broken, the Bruised, The Beaten. The Orphans. The Widows. The Exiled. Those dear ones that Sean and David and Jonathan will be with soon. We love them with you. We love them through you. Love them back. So as I listen to Norah sing “You humble me, Lord.” I think….yes you do. And may we be. May we, Lord, humble our spirits before we are humbled. It's so much better doing it the first way : )
Gibran writes: “I write in verse life’s prose, and in prose life’s verse. This I am a stranger, and will remain a stranger until death snatches me away and carries me to my homeland.”
But until then – my prayer for you is to seek True Love. That we find the Strength to be Real and discover an Intimacy that defeats Isolation, and an Authenticity that defies Death. Fueling Life – Feeding Hope - Loving the loveless. Loving.
Reuniting to Norah, Lost in Gibran, and cuddled up next to the fire……I sit. Loving this quote as it reminds me of my first time to see the ocean. We didn’t get out much when I was a kid - unless you count the woods behind my house and the tobacco patches in the summer. If you count that – we were out all the time : ) (I loved that about my childhood) But to see the ocean.....that was a big deal. I think I was maybe 12? Don’t know. We had taken our first big vacation. I just remember being so excited that I ran out into the ocean with my clothes on. I couldn’t wait to get out of the car – couldn’t get the door open fast enough. When it opened, I started running as fast as I could and, all of a sudden, I was waist up in salty water. Sweet Salty Water. Sweet.
Kinda like a storm – only different.
Having just come off of an incredible benefit, hearing the pain of Congo finally getting recognition on NBC, and knowing some dear brothers, Sean and David, will soon be returning to Goma within a matters of days – it causes many memories to flood back to my mind. I have been in recent contact with a great pastor there in Congo. Pastor Kivy. Wise Wise Man. He said it was good to hear from me because he had felt abandoned.
Abandoned.
Exile haunts me. I don’t mean an organization or an NGO or a non-profit. I mean the presence of Exile. The feeling – the perception – the exsistence. The word. I opened the book I was reading tonight and this is what I read,
“I am a stranger in this world. I am a stranger in my exile. There is a grim isolation and a painful loneliness, yet it makes me ever think of a magical homeland that I do not know. Exile makes me dream with phantoms of a distant land that my eyes have not seen” On the plane ride into Uganda, I picked up my bible and starting reading…..one of my favorite verses. Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Such a common verse in common place. But my eyes went up a little higher on the page this time. To the text title…It said this “A letter to the Exiles”
It gets deeper. That same day was the first day I walked into Village of Hope Uganda – a safe house for 19 orphans. All of which had been formally abducted children, most of which had seen their parents killed, some of which were forced to kill their parents. After being individually hugged and loved by each one, we walked in the house and I saw a verse painted on the wall. Surrounded by flowers and rainbows and butterflies, it read as such,
“ For I know the plans I have for you….” Jerimiah 29:11. And you know the rest : )
Yeah – it is all around me. Those who have been forced to run from rebels and tribal wars to safety, those who have been born and raised in a displacement camp for fear of returning home, scriptures talking about hope of the homeless, forgiveness for the heartness, or even clients I see who are emotionally as lost as are those children wandering the bush of Africa.
Exile
Is it a powerful word – or is it just me?
If intimacy is the opposite of isolation and isolation at its deepest form is the death of the Spirit – then exile is just that. It is the core of isolation and the absence of intimacy – of connection – of togetherness. It is being lost - and the answer then becomes simple:
Being Found – Finding Warmth – Discovering Being Loved – Living Loved
The most precious definition of intimacy I have heard it simply this:
IN - TO - ME - SEE
Do you? See Me? Will I let you? Do I trust you? Will you love me if you do? I have learned to value this word, and come to realize that without the ability to be real about our deepest secrets and in our deepest pain with the truest loved ones – we will never be found. And if we are never found - then are we not really just…..lost? Here is the beautiful part. You ready? He Does. And Does. And Does.
He Sees – The Core – The Secrets – The Pain – and what does he do with it? He Loves. And Loves. And Loves. Wishing you to let Him love you more. Wishing for you to love yourself and to fine love in living. Does that mean that he agrees with every choice we make? Not at all – not even close. I’m sure he would love to come down and kick the tail sometimes : ) But I do know this – there is nothing that we could ever do that would cause Him to stop loving us. THAT is TRUE LOVE. Nothing that any human love can even begin to touch. And as we are loved – he wishes for us to love others. The Broken, the Bruised, The Beaten. The Orphans. The Widows. The Exiled. Those dear ones that Sean and David and Jonathan will be with soon. We love them with you. We love them through you. Love them back. So as I listen to Norah sing “You humble me, Lord.” I think….yes you do. And may we be. May we, Lord, humble our spirits before we are humbled. It's so much better doing it the first way : )
Gibran writes: “I write in verse life’s prose, and in prose life’s verse. This I am a stranger, and will remain a stranger until death snatches me away and carries me to my homeland.”
But until then – my prayer for you is to seek True Love. That we find the Strength to be Real and discover an Intimacy that defeats Isolation, and an Authenticity that defies Death. Fueling Life – Feeding Hope - Loving the loveless. Loving.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I am changed....
Sitting outside of an Irish Pub in the southerness of Franklin, TN, I pretend I am back in Boulder. Imagining the bricked-laden streets of The Pearl, seeing the Flatirons hovering over me in their protection - and I long. Taking a day away from the "fundraiser frantic" to peer far into the heart of God and to find a bit of respite. Couples pass by me on the sidewalk holding hands - dads and daughters, newly found loves, and seasoned coupleship. The voices of dogs barking come sporadically, a street sayer plays his music to my left with his audience sitting around him on the pavement - and the sounds of cyclers who have broken out the Harley for the 60 degree day come and go. A playful youth across the street puts down her red purse to jump on the back of her boyfriend. He tucks her up, grabs her purse and they both begin to run.....laughing along the way, passing a old southern gentleman of about 80 who is sporting his Sunday hat and his well-used cain. He walks past them as slow as the young lovers are running. Two worlds passing each other on a sidewalk surrounded by a sunny day - both smiling.
Setting aside some time today to update my blog-journal of my latest trip, I take a moment to think about what this past year has brought me and I am amazed. This time last year I was freshly grieving the loss of my first patient to suicide. I pray it will be my last. Just a few days after her death, i had written a letter to her family stating my desire to start a non-profit in her honor. Never dreaming it would turn out as it has - taking a mind of its own. Since that time one year ago, my heart has been broken at an even deeper level after traveling to four different African countries and spending precious time with the Lord in two others - and I am changed. In more ways than I can even begin to put into words.
This past year has forced me to look into the eyes of Pain, Darkness, Evil, and Raw Hopelessness. Forced to either look away or to refuse to. I refused. The Darkness beckoning me into Sadness - but my God pursuing me with his songs to look past it. Past it - into His eyes. What did I see? Upon first glance? Pure confusion. Unanswered questions. But after settling my stare-off? Hope. I found Hope.
And I am thankful.
Lord, I know not what this next year will bring. Somehow I think it will be a bit mind-blowing. Regardless of it if it is or if it isn't, one think I know is that you will lead. I pledge to be on the back burner and for you to be the Flame. Remind me in those times of fretting that it is not about me at all. You are God and I am Not and everything else is scenery.
For I am forever and always,
Yours, b
Setting aside some time today to update my blog-journal of my latest trip, I take a moment to think about what this past year has brought me and I am amazed. This time last year I was freshly grieving the loss of my first patient to suicide. I pray it will be my last. Just a few days after her death, i had written a letter to her family stating my desire to start a non-profit in her honor. Never dreaming it would turn out as it has - taking a mind of its own. Since that time one year ago, my heart has been broken at an even deeper level after traveling to four different African countries and spending precious time with the Lord in two others - and I am changed. In more ways than I can even begin to put into words.
This past year has forced me to look into the eyes of Pain, Darkness, Evil, and Raw Hopelessness. Forced to either look away or to refuse to. I refused. The Darkness beckoning me into Sadness - but my God pursuing me with his songs to look past it. Past it - into His eyes. What did I see? Upon first glance? Pure confusion. Unanswered questions. But after settling my stare-off? Hope. I found Hope.
And I am thankful.
Lord, I know not what this next year will bring. Somehow I think it will be a bit mind-blowing. Regardless of it if it is or if it isn't, one think I know is that you will lead. I pledge to be on the back burner and for you to be the Flame. Remind me in those times of fretting that it is not about me at all. You are God and I am Not and everything else is scenery.
For I am forever and always,
Yours, b
Monday, January 26, 2009
Will You Hold My Hand?
I witness heartache regularly. We all do. Hearing stories in the office of reality from the lips of the broken who are searching to be put back together. Recently returning from countries of war, rampage, and brutality. Whether here or there – pain still breaks the heart. I sit back and I watch us sometimes: as a people, as a nation, as a culture, and I wonder. I often talk about what I SAW IN Africa and then what I LEARNED FROM Africa. What I learned far outweighs what I saw.
Robert. The only African man I have ever heard talk with a lisp : ) He is now a safari tour guide – but life was not always this grand. Out of 7 of his siblings – he was one of four living. At night, Robert said his mother would take off her dress and lay it on the floor for her children to use as a bed-mat. After just returning from Sudan and seeing natural poverty, having flashes of the pictures the Lietnom children drew of their burning huts, men with guns, and dead bodies, and not even yet having experienced the horrific stories of Northern Ugandan’s children at that point – I said this.
“Robert, in America - if we had experienced such hardship we might blame God – even be angry at him. But in Africa….I rarely hear anger toward God. I rarely hear of African’s blaming him for allowing such heartache to happen. Why do you think that is?” I could barely get the sentence out before he replied in his sweet lisped African dialect..
“Ooooooooh Noooooooo – How could we blame God when he is the one who helps us? He is the reason we are living, the reason we are breathing. When we are harmed, it is because man has harmed us. Not God. “ And I thought, is it really so hard to understand? Yes. But we can give it a try : ) God is love. Life is hard. Really hard at times. Man causes pain and is pained. The Enemy grins. Christ redeems so we can have a hope of a forever without heartache. So who is it that we should be mad at again? I have learned this: In America we have a God of “give me.” In Africa they have a God of “hold me.” In Congo it was a broken desperateness that I have found nowhere else. Yet,it is the same God.
Funny, we often shake our fist at a God who is dodging our flailing arms in attempts to wipe our tears away. Fighting the very one who is trying to hold us. I wonder if we are we putting the wrong person on the judgment seat. And to go further – should there even be one. As we sit in our cushioned chairs of finger-pointing, we forget that Human Life is about Living, and Living is about Love and Un-Love and Hurting and Happiness and well…..sometimes - crap. Can I just say crap? Just the crappiness of life. Traffic. Fallen Economies. Cancer. Three year olds running out in the street because they are three. Unfortunate Circumstances in a Fallen World that is nobody’s “fault.” It just…..IS. And all the fingerpointing in the world won’t make it any less existent. Is he “big enough to handle it?” Are you kidding? He created the handle ; ) It’s not him that we are necessarily hurting. At least not as much as we are hurting ourselves. Shooting yourself in the foot takes on a different meaning when the bitterness creates a distance from the very One who gave you the ability to walk.
When we credit God for God things: Life, Love, Renewal, Hope. And we credit Man for Man things: Abuse, Killing, Crimes against humanity, Betrayal, Thoughtlessness…..then it frees us up from distancing ourselves from the Creator who gave us life. Does he allow it to happen? Yes. Does he Like it? He loathes it. The tears our hearts cry can’t hold a bucket to his. Where is he in our pain? Where is he when we are crying in our beds at night while everyone sleeps? During those moments where we think it can’t get any worse – and then it does?
Where is he? Look down and squeeze your hand. If you open your heart wide enough…..you just may feel him holding it.
Robert. The only African man I have ever heard talk with a lisp : ) He is now a safari tour guide – but life was not always this grand. Out of 7 of his siblings – he was one of four living. At night, Robert said his mother would take off her dress and lay it on the floor for her children to use as a bed-mat. After just returning from Sudan and seeing natural poverty, having flashes of the pictures the Lietnom children drew of their burning huts, men with guns, and dead bodies, and not even yet having experienced the horrific stories of Northern Ugandan’s children at that point – I said this.
“Robert, in America - if we had experienced such hardship we might blame God – even be angry at him. But in Africa….I rarely hear anger toward God. I rarely hear of African’s blaming him for allowing such heartache to happen. Why do you think that is?” I could barely get the sentence out before he replied in his sweet lisped African dialect..
“Ooooooooh Noooooooo – How could we blame God when he is the one who helps us? He is the reason we are living, the reason we are breathing. When we are harmed, it is because man has harmed us. Not God. “ And I thought, is it really so hard to understand? Yes. But we can give it a try : ) God is love. Life is hard. Really hard at times. Man causes pain and is pained. The Enemy grins. Christ redeems so we can have a hope of a forever without heartache. So who is it that we should be mad at again? I have learned this: In America we have a God of “give me.” In Africa they have a God of “hold me.” In Congo it was a broken desperateness that I have found nowhere else. Yet,it is the same God.
Funny, we often shake our fist at a God who is dodging our flailing arms in attempts to wipe our tears away. Fighting the very one who is trying to hold us. I wonder if we are we putting the wrong person on the judgment seat. And to go further – should there even be one. As we sit in our cushioned chairs of finger-pointing, we forget that Human Life is about Living, and Living is about Love and Un-Love and Hurting and Happiness and well…..sometimes - crap. Can I just say crap? Just the crappiness of life. Traffic. Fallen Economies. Cancer. Three year olds running out in the street because they are three. Unfortunate Circumstances in a Fallen World that is nobody’s “fault.” It just…..IS. And all the fingerpointing in the world won’t make it any less existent. Is he “big enough to handle it?” Are you kidding? He created the handle ; ) It’s not him that we are necessarily hurting. At least not as much as we are hurting ourselves. Shooting yourself in the foot takes on a different meaning when the bitterness creates a distance from the very One who gave you the ability to walk.
When we credit God for God things: Life, Love, Renewal, Hope. And we credit Man for Man things: Abuse, Killing, Crimes against humanity, Betrayal, Thoughtlessness…..then it frees us up from distancing ourselves from the Creator who gave us life. Does he allow it to happen? Yes. Does he Like it? He loathes it. The tears our hearts cry can’t hold a bucket to his. Where is he in our pain? Where is he when we are crying in our beds at night while everyone sleeps? During those moments where we think it can’t get any worse – and then it does?
Where is he? Look down and squeeze your hand. If you open your heart wide enough…..you just may feel him holding it.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Witches, Wizards, and Flying Monkeys
She was there in her ruby red slippers. I was looking on her face of wonderment in awe. Hand in hand we walked into the theatre. Her first real life TPAC experience, and I was milking it for all it was worth. This was her special 5-year old birthday present. She and I experiencing the magic of the stage. All the way to the door, I was re-telling her the story of Dorothy and her friends: the Tin Man, Scarecrow, the Lion....their quest for what they did not have. The journey down the yellow brick road. The hope that followed them. The quest for what was missing. The emptiness of thinking they may not get it. The learnings along the way. The excitement of the adventure.
After re-watching The Wizard of Oz three or four years ago, it began to have a different meaning than just some flamboiant mythical characters cast in a lovely story of rainbows and emerald cities. It was deeper than that. Well....if you wanted it to be. A story of lacking, longing, hope, and revelation. The story of OZ is the story of US. Our disappointments in ourselves and in our lives - wanting what we don't have and feeling the emptiness of something we truly DO need. Searching....hunting....striving to find it. Through forests of hauntings, poppyseed gardens of distraction, dodging flying monkeys of deception, partnering with jitterbugs of the hollow dance - only to end up finding what we always thought would make us happy - doesn't. That which we searched high and low for as we travelled down life's road - humbly bowing in pleas before the Great Wizard for Him to say,
"So.....it's kinda not that easy."
"It's not about me granting your wish. It's not about that at all. It's about finding your way" WHAT? I have traveled all of this way in search of YOU, and that is your lame answer? That's how you grant my wish? Fine wizard you are?!
Sound familiar? Looking in the mirror - suddenly we begin to have hairy courage-less faces, silver rusted hearts, and straw-like minds. Wishing for granted pleas and petitions to the Great One who is all knowing and all being and all giving. But is he? Is he REALLY? Yep.
Ironically, I wrote this after a session last week, "You don't trust Him because He is doing what he is "supposed" to do. You don't trust Him because he is doing what you want (even if it's a perfectly reasonable and righteous desire). You trust Him because he is God and you are not. Because even if he doesn't somehow SEEM trustworthy to you - the fact that HE is God and YOU are not makes him Trustworthy by default. Period. The real question is what are you trusting Him for? To do what you want or wish? If so - you will always and everlastingly be utterly disappointed. But if you are trusting Him to be RIGHTEOUS and to KNOW best because HE is Father and you are NOT - then, yeah....you got it."
DORTHY TO GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH (who, by the way, Julia was most preciously intrigued by) says this: "Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?" GLINDA: "You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas." DOROTHY: "I have?" SCARECROW: "Then why didn’t you tell her before?" GLINDA: "Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself."
I have the power within me? I have to learn for myself? Seriously? Seriously.
I say this often to those I work with daily: In the darkest time of my life, when I was in a fetal position at the bottom of the pit, praying for God to come in, pick me up, and place me at the top of the well-like cave - I was desperate. Broken. But I promise you this: If he would have simply picked me up and placed me at the top of the pit - I would have never ever learned how to climb. Learned how to fight. Learned how to live. I would have only learned how to depend - with muscles of atrophy, a courage-less spirit, a frozen heart, and a wisdom thirsty mind - i would still be there.
Enjoy the journey, friends. Just watch out for those flying monkeys a long the way. They're killers ; )
After re-watching The Wizard of Oz three or four years ago, it began to have a different meaning than just some flamboiant mythical characters cast in a lovely story of rainbows and emerald cities. It was deeper than that. Well....if you wanted it to be. A story of lacking, longing, hope, and revelation. The story of OZ is the story of US. Our disappointments in ourselves and in our lives - wanting what we don't have and feeling the emptiness of something we truly DO need. Searching....hunting....striving to find it. Through forests of hauntings, poppyseed gardens of distraction, dodging flying monkeys of deception, partnering with jitterbugs of the hollow dance - only to end up finding what we always thought would make us happy - doesn't. That which we searched high and low for as we travelled down life's road - humbly bowing in pleas before the Great Wizard for Him to say,
"So.....it's kinda not that easy."
"It's not about me granting your wish. It's not about that at all. It's about finding your way" WHAT? I have traveled all of this way in search of YOU, and that is your lame answer? That's how you grant my wish? Fine wizard you are?!
Sound familiar? Looking in the mirror - suddenly we begin to have hairy courage-less faces, silver rusted hearts, and straw-like minds. Wishing for granted pleas and petitions to the Great One who is all knowing and all being and all giving. But is he? Is he REALLY? Yep.
Ironically, I wrote this after a session last week, "You don't trust Him because He is doing what he is "supposed" to do. You don't trust Him because he is doing what you want (even if it's a perfectly reasonable and righteous desire). You trust Him because he is God and you are not. Because even if he doesn't somehow SEEM trustworthy to you - the fact that HE is God and YOU are not makes him Trustworthy by default. Period. The real question is what are you trusting Him for? To do what you want or wish? If so - you will always and everlastingly be utterly disappointed. But if you are trusting Him to be RIGHTEOUS and to KNOW best because HE is Father and you are NOT - then, yeah....you got it."
DORTHY TO GLINDA THE GOOD WITCH (who, by the way, Julia was most preciously intrigued by) says this: "Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?" GLINDA: "You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas." DOROTHY: "I have?" SCARECROW: "Then why didn’t you tell her before?" GLINDA: "Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself."
I have the power within me? I have to learn for myself? Seriously? Seriously.
I say this often to those I work with daily: In the darkest time of my life, when I was in a fetal position at the bottom of the pit, praying for God to come in, pick me up, and place me at the top of the well-like cave - I was desperate. Broken. But I promise you this: If he would have simply picked me up and placed me at the top of the pit - I would have never ever learned how to climb. Learned how to fight. Learned how to live. I would have only learned how to depend - with muscles of atrophy, a courage-less spirit, a frozen heart, and a wisdom thirsty mind - i would still be there.
Enjoy the journey, friends. Just watch out for those flying monkeys a long the way. They're killers ; )
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
And then there was Midnight.
I did something tonight that I never remember doing before. Strange, really. Earlier today, plans of New Year's Eve dancing and jamming and big parties were falling apart before my very eyes. I started searching and making calls (which for me means a lot of text messaging because I rarely actually use my phone for talking : ). The result was meeting new friends down the street for great conversation, less than an hour at a party, and then off to meet my dear roomies and friends for a New Year's Service at a local church. It was simply greatness. Songs of new and old swirled around the candles, scriptures filled with hope and newness danced around the room......and then there was Midnight. As we stood and held hands and recited the Lord's Prayer together - there was a peace there. There is something about that second - isn't it? That second where an old year ends and a new year begins? 5.....4.....3....2.....And then there is midnight - and then there is the new year - and then there is celebration. But tonight - there was no celebration. Not really. There just......was......A new year. Quietly. Calmly. Confetti-free. Noiseless. Lovely. It was a beautiful way to celebrated it, and one, strangely, I have never done in such a way.
Each year I take some time - usually a day or two - just to reflect on what the past year has taught me, what God wished to teach me that maybe I didn't learn so well, and what changes need to happen in the new year. Ironically - in the past few weeks there is a song that has played at the end of almost every Hot Yoga session I have had (Yes, I am addicted...). It's Tracy Chapman's "Change." (Post of the song and lyrics to come). The words of the song seem to have prepared me for today
Each year I make goals. Resolutions, if you will - about changes that need to be made in my life. Most of those are the same year after year. Be On Time More. Start your One Year Bible and read it every day. Eat Healthier. Spend more time with your family. Read two books a month. Etc. Etc. Etc. Did you know that 7 out of the top 10 resolutions have to do with changing our bodies, our budgets, or our bad habits. Seventy Percent. So I started thinking.......what if we have it all wrong? And there-in lies my revelation:
What if it isn't about what we DO or don't DO? What if it more about who we need to BE? What if our resolution was more about BEING different than DOING different? Which leads me to this song. Or maybe this song led me to the revelation. If I started changing the way I thought, how I saw the world, altered my perspective a bit - wouldn't the rest come so much more naturally? It is amusing to me when we stop living for ourselves (to please ourselves, grow our wealth, build our egos, become skinnier, stronger, to strive....just striving and striving) and we get OUT of ourselves long enough to begin living for something BIGGER than ourselves.....we suddenly FIND ourselves. Searching for how we are to love more out of His heart than how to prove who we are - and somehow we begin to feel more fulfilled. Why? It's not about us anymore. Somehow we begin looking past our own reflection in the mirror and into the eyes of a Savior.....mirroring the eyes of His children......and it becomes less about what changes we need to make in what we DO and we start to see the changes we need to make in WHO WE ARE. Soulfully. Spiritually, Deeply. Who we really ARE.
So - back to the song......It made me re-recognize this. Life isn't about life at all. Life is about Living. Oh, how we confuse the two. It is about finding life through intimacy. Intimacy with God, Family, Friends, and Ourselves. It is about Forgiveness. Authenticity. Learning to be Real. Learning to trust someone safe with our darkest secrets - because our secrets kill our spirits. It's about Learning to Love and Be Loved. Learning to Trust. Learning to Share. Learning to Kill our Pride and replace it with Humility. Learning to Serve. Learning to Give. Learning to Receive. Learning from Living. Learning. It is about putting our time and energy into those things we cannot see, hear, or taste. It is about all things eternal. It is about taking calculated chances because we will not pass this way again, and we don't want to wake up in a wheelchair in a nursing home being immersed in regrets. It is about taking the time to sit in the floor with your kids and play with them. It is about dancing when everyone is looking and not caring. It is about telling them how you feel now because you may not get another now. It is about doing whatever it takes to find reconciliation with God, because without that....we are really dead. If you knew....if you KNEW that this would be your last year....if you KNEW that you had one more year of living....12 months. Would you change? Would you stop working so much? Would you value things differently? Would you change where you spend your time? Would you swallow your pride to reach out and get the help you needed? Would you make that phone call? Would you write that letter? Would you somehow find the strength to truly let go of what you have been fretting about, bitter about, depressed about? Would you change? And if you wanted to change, but didn't know how.....would you do what it took to find out?
Because....eventually....maybe tonight....maybe tomorrow night....maybe in 6 months or 6 years.
There will be Midnight.
And it will end. And forever will begin. And we will, at that moment, have a different kind of revelation. A revelation of how tiny this life is compared to forever. A forever that we cannot really comprehend. A forever that is REALLY what it's all about.
Just ask Tracy. Ms. Chapman, that is....and take a minute to listen to her sing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4jNpJRYNzs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHANGE:
If you knew that you would die today, Saw the face of God and love, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart. When you're down so low you cannot fall. Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses? How much regret? What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget, Makes you change? Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone, Knowing right, being wrong, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth That brings up pain that can't be soothed Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses? How much regret? What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget, Makes you change? Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent? If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling? If not for the good, why risk falling? Why risk falling? If everything you think you know, Makes your life unbearable, Would you change? Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today, If you saw the face of God and love, Would you change?
Each year I take some time - usually a day or two - just to reflect on what the past year has taught me, what God wished to teach me that maybe I didn't learn so well, and what changes need to happen in the new year. Ironically - in the past few weeks there is a song that has played at the end of almost every Hot Yoga session I have had (Yes, I am addicted...). It's Tracy Chapman's "Change." (Post of the song and lyrics to come). The words of the song seem to have prepared me for today
Each year I make goals. Resolutions, if you will - about changes that need to be made in my life. Most of those are the same year after year. Be On Time More. Start your One Year Bible and read it every day. Eat Healthier. Spend more time with your family. Read two books a month. Etc. Etc. Etc. Did you know that 7 out of the top 10 resolutions have to do with changing our bodies, our budgets, or our bad habits. Seventy Percent. So I started thinking.......what if we have it all wrong? And there-in lies my revelation:
What if it isn't about what we DO or don't DO? What if it more about who we need to BE? What if our resolution was more about BEING different than DOING different? Which leads me to this song. Or maybe this song led me to the revelation. If I started changing the way I thought, how I saw the world, altered my perspective a bit - wouldn't the rest come so much more naturally? It is amusing to me when we stop living for ourselves (to please ourselves, grow our wealth, build our egos, become skinnier, stronger, to strive....just striving and striving) and we get OUT of ourselves long enough to begin living for something BIGGER than ourselves.....we suddenly FIND ourselves. Searching for how we are to love more out of His heart than how to prove who we are - and somehow we begin to feel more fulfilled. Why? It's not about us anymore. Somehow we begin looking past our own reflection in the mirror and into the eyes of a Savior.....mirroring the eyes of His children......and it becomes less about what changes we need to make in what we DO and we start to see the changes we need to make in WHO WE ARE. Soulfully. Spiritually, Deeply. Who we really ARE.
So - back to the song......It made me re-recognize this. Life isn't about life at all. Life is about Living. Oh, how we confuse the two. It is about finding life through intimacy. Intimacy with God, Family, Friends, and Ourselves. It is about Forgiveness. Authenticity. Learning to be Real. Learning to trust someone safe with our darkest secrets - because our secrets kill our spirits. It's about Learning to Love and Be Loved. Learning to Trust. Learning to Share. Learning to Kill our Pride and replace it with Humility. Learning to Serve. Learning to Give. Learning to Receive. Learning from Living. Learning. It is about putting our time and energy into those things we cannot see, hear, or taste. It is about all things eternal. It is about taking calculated chances because we will not pass this way again, and we don't want to wake up in a wheelchair in a nursing home being immersed in regrets. It is about taking the time to sit in the floor with your kids and play with them. It is about dancing when everyone is looking and not caring. It is about telling them how you feel now because you may not get another now. It is about doing whatever it takes to find reconciliation with God, because without that....we are really dead. If you knew....if you KNEW that this would be your last year....if you KNEW that you had one more year of living....12 months. Would you change? Would you stop working so much? Would you value things differently? Would you change where you spend your time? Would you swallow your pride to reach out and get the help you needed? Would you make that phone call? Would you write that letter? Would you somehow find the strength to truly let go of what you have been fretting about, bitter about, depressed about? Would you change? And if you wanted to change, but didn't know how.....would you do what it took to find out?
Because....eventually....maybe tonight....maybe tomorrow night....maybe in 6 months or 6 years.
There will be Midnight.
And it will end. And forever will begin. And we will, at that moment, have a different kind of revelation. A revelation of how tiny this life is compared to forever. A forever that we cannot really comprehend. A forever that is REALLY what it's all about.
Just ask Tracy. Ms. Chapman, that is....and take a minute to listen to her sing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4jNpJRYNzs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHANGE:
If you knew that you would die today, Saw the face of God and love, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart. When you're down so low you cannot fall. Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses? How much regret? What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget, Makes you change? Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone, Knowing right, being wrong, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth That brings up pain that can't be soothed Would you change? Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses? How much regret? What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, Makes you try to explain, Makes you forgive and forget, Makes you change? Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent? If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling? If not for the good, why risk falling? Why risk falling? If everything you think you know, Makes your life unbearable, Would you change? Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow, And hard times come to bring you down, Would you change? Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today, If you saw the face of God and love, Would you change?
Monday, December 29, 2008
The Silence of God is the Beginning of Wisdom
Do you ever write things that come from your soul - maybe from you spirit, but you aren't sure what they mean? Sometimes they are letters making up words making up sentences, but more often than not....the represent something deeper. For me, it's often something I think God is trying to tell me. Maybe something that I'm not learning very well.
I often find myself getting into the "zone" as I like to call it and writing from a place beyond myself - even sometimes picking up something I wrote on a random piece of paper that has fallen in between my night-stand and my bed and wondering....wait, did I write that? Or maybe I was just "a tiny pencil in the hand of a writing God..." as Mother Teresa once said. Regardless, tonight was one of those nights. I witnessed the sunset on the backdrop of the War Memorial Cross. Breathtaking. I had waited longer than anticipated and didn't quite get to watch the full showing.....I found myself rushing, Trying to Drive Faster than the Sun could Set. Quite a feeling. Racing the Sunset. But, I was. Topping the Hill - there she stood. All sixty feet of her. In the background was a sun nestling down for the night. I took a picture with my phone and wrote these words before I could even think about it.....
....And the Silence of God is the Beginning of Wisdom.
I watched the colors become even more vibrant as they slowly went into hiding, and I suddenly noticed I was all alone. There was no one there. Me, The towering white sixty foot Cross, the Sunset......well, and God. And I began to write:
And the Silence of God is the Beginning of Wisdom. Meaning? Meaning this: The Silence becomes quiet within it's own strength. True Wisdom begins to be born when we are forced to learn to Trust Him even in His Silence. Knowing He is there even when you can't hear Him. A deep acceptance of not understanding, not comprehending, and not even liking - but having faith that He still remains present. He still remains God. That is the beginning of Maturity. That is the essence of Faith. That is the beginning of Wisdom.
If seeing is believing, then what happens to our faith when we are utterly and ultimately blind? Amidst the deafening silence of unanswered prayers - of not feeling Him, seeing Him, or hearing a word...are we not then faced with an decision? As a new neighbor knocking on a door of a new house - knocking......knocking.....knocking -and we hear no answer. We hear no clatter, no footsteps, no noise - and so we must decide. Do we leave in abandonment or do we wait? Wait. Wait. Wait. Trusting. Believing. Knowing that He is on the other side. Not because we have any evidence of that fact - save that it is a Fact. It is a promise. He has said it and it is so. A promise from a God that cannot Lie.
He IS on the other side of the door. He is in there. Preparing a place before us in the presence of The Enemy. "Making ready a place in His Father's mansions - for if it were not so....he would have told us."
And so we choose to wait. Believing in what seems to be the unbelievable. Not because it makes sense or because we understand it - but because, simply, SIMPLY, it was promised. THAT promise: that He will Never leave us nor Forsake us - can be larger than a feeling of confusion. Deeper than the most painful feeling of abandonment. Louder the most hollow of echos.
Wow - what strength it takes to believe that sometimes. And they say faith is for the weak of spirit......for the weak. Faith for the weak? I laugh. How much strength it takes to have faith as compared to those who are faithless. Believing in Nothing requires much less energy than believing in Something - especially when that something or someone is deathly quiet. Is Silent. A Silent God - but He isn't. Not at all.
Lord, just because you are quiet - doesn't mean you are silent. Help us, Father, to simply understand you. Maybe that is what his next year truly needs to be about. Not about doing something differently or making something happen - but, maybe, it is simply about BEING more of what you would want us to be and taking on the quest of understanding you at a deeper level. No - your silence is not a silence at all. It is simply a quiet place for us to settle. For us to trust. For us to listen......for us to seek Wisdom. In it's beginning. In it's birth.
May it be born - may we be quiet and listen to your Strength. Listening Loudly. Hearing Clearly. Unraveling Wisdom - Sunset by Quiet Sunset.
Hmmmmmm, I wonder - Can you hear it?
I often find myself getting into the "zone" as I like to call it and writing from a place beyond myself - even sometimes picking up something I wrote on a random piece of paper that has fallen in between my night-stand and my bed and wondering....wait, did I write that? Or maybe I was just "a tiny pencil in the hand of a writing God..." as Mother Teresa once said. Regardless, tonight was one of those nights. I witnessed the sunset on the backdrop of the War Memorial Cross. Breathtaking. I had waited longer than anticipated and didn't quite get to watch the full showing.....I found myself rushing, Trying to Drive Faster than the Sun could Set. Quite a feeling. Racing the Sunset. But, I was. Topping the Hill - there she stood. All sixty feet of her. In the background was a sun nestling down for the night. I took a picture with my phone and wrote these words before I could even think about it.....
....And the Silence of God is the Beginning of Wisdom.
I watched the colors become even more vibrant as they slowly went into hiding, and I suddenly noticed I was all alone. There was no one there. Me, The towering white sixty foot Cross, the Sunset......well, and God. And I began to write:
And the Silence of God is the Beginning of Wisdom. Meaning? Meaning this: The Silence becomes quiet within it's own strength. True Wisdom begins to be born when we are forced to learn to Trust Him even in His Silence. Knowing He is there even when you can't hear Him. A deep acceptance of not understanding, not comprehending, and not even liking - but having faith that He still remains present. He still remains God. That is the beginning of Maturity. That is the essence of Faith. That is the beginning of Wisdom.
If seeing is believing, then what happens to our faith when we are utterly and ultimately blind? Amidst the deafening silence of unanswered prayers - of not feeling Him, seeing Him, or hearing a word...are we not then faced with an decision? As a new neighbor knocking on a door of a new house - knocking......knocking.....knocking -and we hear no answer. We hear no clatter, no footsteps, no noise - and so we must decide. Do we leave in abandonment or do we wait? Wait. Wait. Wait. Trusting. Believing. Knowing that He is on the other side. Not because we have any evidence of that fact - save that it is a Fact. It is a promise. He has said it and it is so. A promise from a God that cannot Lie.
He IS on the other side of the door. He is in there. Preparing a place before us in the presence of The Enemy. "Making ready a place in His Father's mansions - for if it were not so....he would have told us."
And so we choose to wait. Believing in what seems to be the unbelievable. Not because it makes sense or because we understand it - but because, simply, SIMPLY, it was promised. THAT promise: that He will Never leave us nor Forsake us - can be larger than a feeling of confusion. Deeper than the most painful feeling of abandonment. Louder the most hollow of echos.
Wow - what strength it takes to believe that sometimes. And they say faith is for the weak of spirit......for the weak. Faith for the weak? I laugh. How much strength it takes to have faith as compared to those who are faithless. Believing in Nothing requires much less energy than believing in Something - especially when that something or someone is deathly quiet. Is Silent. A Silent God - but He isn't. Not at all.
Lord, just because you are quiet - doesn't mean you are silent. Help us, Father, to simply understand you. Maybe that is what his next year truly needs to be about. Not about doing something differently or making something happen - but, maybe, it is simply about BEING more of what you would want us to be and taking on the quest of understanding you at a deeper level. No - your silence is not a silence at all. It is simply a quiet place for us to settle. For us to trust. For us to listen......for us to seek Wisdom. In it's beginning. In it's birth.
May it be born - may we be quiet and listen to your Strength. Listening Loudly. Hearing Clearly. Unraveling Wisdom - Sunset by Quiet Sunset.
Hmmmmmm, I wonder - Can you hear it?
A feather as my bookmark.......
I use feathers as bookmarks, and I love the sound of certain words as they roll off of my tongue. I don't like very many things with wires. I also semi-loathe voices that come from inanimate objects with engines pretending to be a person telling you what direction to turn in "X" amount of miles. I crave to live in the Christmas episode of Little House on the Prairie, and I wish we could all just get along. I crave authenticity and I value original thoughts - though I think that sometimes we use that to create our own reality that simply doesn't exist. I love to challenge and to be challenged, and I love to be fiercely pursued as strongly as is the existence of Love itself......and I take a few days at the first of every year to try to let God teach me.
What have I learned this past year? What is it you want me to see clearer? How would you have me to change to reflect you better? What has life taught me in the past 12 months, and how can I become a better student? How would you take this next year, Lord, and use it?
I ask these questions at the first of every year and I try to listen. Listen loudly. As I sit in front of this fireplace, I realize that there are many changes on the horizon for me. I feel in my bones that this next year will be a year of change and purpose and growth. The past four years have been astronomical in terms of what God has taught me, how God has changed me, and what life has brought me - pain, purpose, brokenness, beginnings, opportunities, walls, loneliness, intimacy, wisdom, and stupidity. I pray that I continue to walk the path and travel the journey. He as my guide and teacher - my Rabbi - and I as His wide-eyed daughter with big questions and bigger dreams.
"The only reason my heart beats is because you showed it how. I will find my way. You showed me. I'll find my way. Cause you showed me how..... " I listen to Katie sing.
I am here because you have allowed me to be here. I pray, Lord, that you never let me forget that.
So these next few days will consist of a lot of writing, reading, praying and (or course) Blogging. Which is just another way of journaling with a battery - yes?
In anticipation - b
What have I learned this past year? What is it you want me to see clearer? How would you have me to change to reflect you better? What has life taught me in the past 12 months, and how can I become a better student? How would you take this next year, Lord, and use it?
I ask these questions at the first of every year and I try to listen. Listen loudly. As I sit in front of this fireplace, I realize that there are many changes on the horizon for me. I feel in my bones that this next year will be a year of change and purpose and growth. The past four years have been astronomical in terms of what God has taught me, how God has changed me, and what life has brought me - pain, purpose, brokenness, beginnings, opportunities, walls, loneliness, intimacy, wisdom, and stupidity. I pray that I continue to walk the path and travel the journey. He as my guide and teacher - my Rabbi - and I as His wide-eyed daughter with big questions and bigger dreams.
"The only reason my heart beats is because you showed it how. I will find my way. You showed me. I'll find my way. Cause you showed me how..... " I listen to Katie sing.
I am here because you have allowed me to be here. I pray, Lord, that you never let me forget that.
So these next few days will consist of a lot of writing, reading, praying and (or course) Blogging. Which is just another way of journaling with a battery - yes?
In anticipation - b
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Day - A Thrill of Hope
Have you ever wondered why God used light to lead the wisemen to Jesus? Why a star? Why not a sheep that they followed to Bethlehem or a pre-pathed trail leading to the Savior's manger? So many ways that could have led to the same baby King on that night. Ever think about it? Countless options and He chose one - a Star - a Light. I, personally, believe that was the most symbolic part of the whole story. The fact that the King of Kings was born in such degrading surroundings teaches us about the honor of humility. The fact that God was born to an unwed virgin mother speaks to the power He has to use the tiniest of us for the greatest of His glory. Believing in us even when we don't believe in ourselves. But the fact that He used a light to usher in the Glory of Grace has Hope nestled all around it. Starlight surrounded by Darkness. Brilliance peeking through The world's Pain. Pure Love and Goodness gifting the Lost. I think of one word:
Hope - Gift Five. And what a precious gift it is.
If you have read any of my other blogs, you know that this has been a theme of this past year for me. After Congo - my previous view of hope was unraveled. Having a patient at the first of the year commit suicide, I was forced to understand it's vitality at a different level. Hope - to be without it has been described as "living as the dead". Which is why many often choose to end their lives........at that very moment, they can see absolutely no hope. This hit home for me, yet again, yesterday as the phone rang to let us know that our cousin, still in his twenties, had taken his life. Hopeless....Lost....Loneliness at such a deep level that Darkness takes on an entirely different meaning.
What drowns out Darkness? It is Light. What Looks Evil in the Eye? Goodness. Love. What sits across from Despair? Challenging it - Taunting it - Boldly standing tall in Strength and Confidence? Fighting it tooth and nail? Hope. H O P E.
The Star that night represented so much more than just something to follow that lead to the ending of the Scavenger Hunts of all Scavenger Hunts. It was more than a compass. It was a Hope like no other. You see, what this past year has taught me is this: It is all about what you are Hoping FOR. In Congo, if they wait for their hopes of raping and warring to end then they may never find it. If we, in our daily lives, wait for our hopes of total security, a phenomenal marriage or mate, the perfect size, recognition, someone to be proud of us, or for a situation to be as it should be - then disappointment will ever linger in our hearts. We simply have no guarantee of anything - anything other than Something. Something wonderful. What I have learned this year is that when we are able to dig deep within ourselves and eyegaze as high as we possible can.....looking beyond our situation, past our pain, and into the eyes of a Savior - born many years ago. We become the Wisemen surrendering our will. We become the followers of a Celestial Being bigger than our own situation. We become hopeful of two things: Above all - the Hope of Heaven. And Beyond that: The Hope of the hand of God reaching out for ours, holding it gently in His palm - Guiding. Loving. Comforting. Going before us to providentially pave a way. Looking out. Looking up. Beneath a...
"Star of wonder. Star of Light. Star of Royal Beauty Bright. Westward leading. Still proceeding. Guide us to thy Perfect Light" That's a Hope bigger than Life. Literally.
Wishing you the Merriest of Christmases and Hoping that you Never Ever Look at the Stars the same....
All My Love, b
p.s. Thanks for going on this five day journey with me. It has been enlightening for me, for sure. Now....off to make a Gingerbread House with a Princess ; )
Hope - Gift Five. And what a precious gift it is.
If you have read any of my other blogs, you know that this has been a theme of this past year for me. After Congo - my previous view of hope was unraveled. Having a patient at the first of the year commit suicide, I was forced to understand it's vitality at a different level. Hope - to be without it has been described as "living as the dead". Which is why many often choose to end their lives........at that very moment, they can see absolutely no hope. This hit home for me, yet again, yesterday as the phone rang to let us know that our cousin, still in his twenties, had taken his life. Hopeless....Lost....Loneliness at such a deep level that Darkness takes on an entirely different meaning.
What drowns out Darkness? It is Light. What Looks Evil in the Eye? Goodness. Love. What sits across from Despair? Challenging it - Taunting it - Boldly standing tall in Strength and Confidence? Fighting it tooth and nail? Hope. H O P E.
The Star that night represented so much more than just something to follow that lead to the ending of the Scavenger Hunts of all Scavenger Hunts. It was more than a compass. It was a Hope like no other. You see, what this past year has taught me is this: It is all about what you are Hoping FOR. In Congo, if they wait for their hopes of raping and warring to end then they may never find it. If we, in our daily lives, wait for our hopes of total security, a phenomenal marriage or mate, the perfect size, recognition, someone to be proud of us, or for a situation to be as it should be - then disappointment will ever linger in our hearts. We simply have no guarantee of anything - anything other than Something. Something wonderful. What I have learned this year is that when we are able to dig deep within ourselves and eyegaze as high as we possible can.....looking beyond our situation, past our pain, and into the eyes of a Savior - born many years ago. We become the Wisemen surrendering our will. We become the followers of a Celestial Being bigger than our own situation. We become hopeful of two things: Above all - the Hope of Heaven. And Beyond that: The Hope of the hand of God reaching out for ours, holding it gently in His palm - Guiding. Loving. Comforting. Going before us to providentially pave a way. Looking out. Looking up. Beneath a...
"Star of wonder. Star of Light. Star of Royal Beauty Bright. Westward leading. Still proceeding. Guide us to thy Perfect Light" That's a Hope bigger than Life. Literally.
Wishing you the Merriest of Christmases and Hoping that you Never Ever Look at the Stars the same....
All My Love, b
p.s. Thanks for going on this five day journey with me. It has been enlightening for me, for sure. Now....off to make a Gingerbread House with a Princess ; )
Day Two - I Want You....
Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts? Like they are residing in your spirit? Almost like you are carrying them around with you in your heart and mind….at all times. Yeah, talk about magic. Sounds kinda familiar - given today. Immanuel. He is with us. Carrying us around in his heart and in his mind……and having the desire for us to do the same. Gift Four: Love.
Two things you guys probably grow weary of hearing about are my nieces and nephew and Africa. Tough ; ) I remember last year when Emma was around three. Three – that wonderful age when they interchange random words in preciously incorrect places, their Rs become Ws and sometimes their Ys become Ls. Instead of “I love you” it was “I yove you.” Actually, she said that sparingly. I think she thought if she said she loved anyone it meant that she didn’t love her mommy and daddy. Like she had to choose : ) So she would rarely say it back. Actually she, in her Haley/Bare boldness, would respond with “I don’t yike you and I don’t yuve you.” I would always smile and come back with, “That’s okay, sweetie, I love you enough for the both of us!” Again....I think that saying is not so unfamiliar to God either. But she said something else that I thought was The Best. When she missed me, she wouldn’t say “I Miss You”. She would call my phone at different times and leave me a message that said: “I Want You, Aunt B.” That’s all. Really meaning the same thing. I miss you….I want you. Just Bolder. That’s my girl!
“I want you”. Picture someone saying that to you for a moment. “I want you”. It holds a powerful meaning. I think everyone needs someone to think they are the greatest thing ever. Sometimes that can be on earth and sometimes it can be somewhere else…..It’s a humbling thought for me to think of the Creator of the Universe wanting a connection with me – with us – so much that he would rock His own world to come into ours in order to make that possible.
Speaking of thinking someone is the greatest things ever, right this second a sweet little five year old has just come up and snuggled underneath my arm. I play this game with her…the Guess What game. “Guess what, Julia?” “What?” “Guess What?” “What?” “Guess What?” “What?!” “I love you”. But She’s caught on in her old URL_REMOVED all I have to say is “Guess What?” and she smiles to say “You love me.”
I don’t think the apple has fallen far from The Tree….I can just hear Him during this season. Admist all of the lights, gifts, comings and goings, rushing, complaining, laughing, crying, wrapping, unwrapping, driving, flying, eating, drinking, being merry. He is whispering…..Guess What, My Child?
I love you.
Here is wishing you a Christmas Eve filled with a different kind of Love……
His, b
Two things you guys probably grow weary of hearing about are my nieces and nephew and Africa. Tough ; ) I remember last year when Emma was around three. Three – that wonderful age when they interchange random words in preciously incorrect places, their Rs become Ws and sometimes their Ys become Ls. Instead of “I love you” it was “I yove you.” Actually, she said that sparingly. I think she thought if she said she loved anyone it meant that she didn’t love her mommy and daddy. Like she had to choose : ) So she would rarely say it back. Actually she, in her Haley/Bare boldness, would respond with “I don’t yike you and I don’t yuve you.” I would always smile and come back with, “That’s okay, sweetie, I love you enough for the both of us!” Again....I think that saying is not so unfamiliar to God either. But she said something else that I thought was The Best. When she missed me, she wouldn’t say “I Miss You”. She would call my phone at different times and leave me a message that said: “I Want You, Aunt B.” That’s all. Really meaning the same thing. I miss you….I want you. Just Bolder. That’s my girl!
“I want you”. Picture someone saying that to you for a moment. “I want you”. It holds a powerful meaning. I think everyone needs someone to think they are the greatest thing ever. Sometimes that can be on earth and sometimes it can be somewhere else…..It’s a humbling thought for me to think of the Creator of the Universe wanting a connection with me – with us – so much that he would rock His own world to come into ours in order to make that possible.
Speaking of thinking someone is the greatest things ever, right this second a sweet little five year old has just come up and snuggled underneath my arm. I play this game with her…the Guess What game. “Guess what, Julia?” “What?” “Guess What?” “What?” “Guess What?” “What?!” “I love you”. But She’s caught on in her old URL_REMOVED all I have to say is “Guess What?” and she smiles to say “You love me.”
I don’t think the apple has fallen far from The Tree….I can just hear Him during this season. Admist all of the lights, gifts, comings and goings, rushing, complaining, laughing, crying, wrapping, unwrapping, driving, flying, eating, drinking, being merry. He is whispering…..Guess What, My Child?
I love you.
Here is wishing you a Christmas Eve filled with a different kind of Love……
His, b
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