Under a Togo Moon

Sitting outside on deck 8 of the Africa Mercy under a full moon, on a breezy night watching the deck hands across the way load and unload cargo. It feels a little like I’m in the movie the Titanic. Except I’m in Africa doing ministry work on a Ship of 300 that provides medical services and it’s 2010. And I’m not wearing a beautiful gown dancing to beautiful music with a gentleman gently taking me by my hand and twirling me around. Except that.

Strange for me not to be leading a team on this trip. Stranger still to have so much alone time. I love every inch. God ordained, I am sure.

I’m with a team of 7 women who are leading a trauma care workshop for children who have been emotionally wounded out of political violence in Togo or girls who have been sexually violated or boys who have been particularly abused. I am honored to have been invited to be a part of such amazing minds and seasoned clinicians.

As a part of eXile, we always say we do not want to re-create the wheel. These women have written impressive curriculum and books on trauma specific to the culture of Africa. It’s been wonderful already to simply learn from them so we can take what we learn and use it in Congo and Eastern Africa. We have been asked to incorporate more of the dance, music, and drama into their already amazing program. Excited for that opportunity.

So I sit here on this beautiful African night, praying for the children we will be working with this week. Praying for every one of their hearts. Praying as well for the girls and boys in the orphanages in Congo and Uganda that we love so dearly. I feel so much closer to them just being on this continent - maybe that's why my prayers for them are deeper.

Lord, use me. Simple prayer on this simple night. Help me to be all that you would be to them if you were here. Bring me to Life - for you. For I am -

Yours, b

If Humility....

If Humility were an oil, I would ask you to anoint me with it. That it might cover my Prideful Wounds and my Defensive Spirit sometimes causing pain to those I love.

If Graciousness were a cloud, I would wish to be surrounded. So that even the slightest peek of the world could be seen in the vision of Pure Appreciation and Gratitude.

If Courage were a breath, I would dream of it filling my lungs from the outside in. Putting to death any attempts Fear would have of suffocating my life.

And Peace. If Peace were a Presence I would ask to be lost in it. That I could be at rest in my Solitude as heavily as if I were in a marketplace of thousands. Gently smiling at all that I do not understand and calmly laying down a load that is not mine to carry.

In search of a Prince that catches all I cannot carry and cloaks all that I cannot see.

All For You

Sitting on the floor of my condo, they knelt down beside of me. On the concrete. Daddy to my left. Mom to my right. They had gotten down on the floor to pray with me before leaving.

Surrounded by paint, art supplies, anti-bacterial gel and piles of randomness. I was re-packing my suitcase for Africa. They were getting ready to leave the next morning to drive to Virginia where they were going on a door knocking campaign to reach those who needed God.

We circled up, sitting on the floor and held hands. Dad started praying and, for whatever reason, it was all I could do to keep from crying. I don't remember his words. I don't have to.

What I do remember is that they seemed to be some of the rawest, most authentic, humbling words I have heard. Simply words. Straight words.

Forgive us for we are sinners and are in desperate need of you... words. Words that quickly put us in a place of being the Created and God in the place of Creator.

I am sitting on a plane headed to Africa at this moment. Delayed. On the runway. My heart so full that I have to get out my computer and start typing before my passion begins to give way to forgetting how remarkable that moment was. I am in thought today about this word:

Authenticity.

Maybe because I think I lack it sometimes. Maybe because I crave it so badly. Maybe because I am in awe of it. Yes, I honor it. Authenticity. Originality. Realness. Rawness. Brave - It's only for the Brave.

Definition?

authenticity - undisputed credibility genuineness, legitimacy believability, credibility, credibleness - the quality of being believable or trustworthy real McCoy, real stuff, real thing - informal usage attributing authenticity

Based on WordNet 3.0, Farlex clipart collection. © 2003-2008 Princeton University, Farlex Inc.

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authenticity

noun

1. genuineness, purity, realness, veritableness Some factors have cast doubt on the statue's authentcity.

2. accuracy, truth, certainty, validity, reliability, legitimacy, verity, actuality, faithfulness,truthfulness, dependability, trustworthiness

All those words I strive for..... and I have to admit (being real) I have been in a place of numbness. My soul is weary and tired. A place of walking through life like I'm going through the motions and pulling from deep places to even take the tiny steps. And when THAT becomes real, then being Un-Authentic becomes somewhat of a survival. We've all been there.

What does it mean? What does it REALLY mean?

When push comes to shove it simply means Being True. Being Pure. Being You.

We try so hard to be someone we aren't that we never find out who we are.

Or we become entangled in the facebook, iPhone, text message relationship web of False Intimacy and we never find True "Authentic Look in my Eyes when I tell you of my Greatest Fears and my Wildest Dreams" Love. We stay so connected to so many objects that we forget to Breath or Feel or Play or Dance or share time together around a table - or on a concrete floor. Counting notifications, likes, unlikes, be-likes and we forget.... What ..... We ..... Like.

INTIMACY: IN ~ TO ~ ME ~ SEE

But fear of truly being Known at the risk of not being Loved takes over the deep soul survival of True Communion with others.

I see Authenticity at the purest level in children and when I go "home" to Kentucky............. and in Africa. One of the purest most genuine and most gracious people you will meet. Just being around them makes me more grounded and real, and I leave having a fear that I will loose the fairy dust of Genuineness they have brushed off on me. I often do.

In this world of plastic people and plastic dreams and plastic cards that buy plastic things - I sit on this Big Bird of a Plane looking out the window Dreaming of Dancing in the rain that keeps us sitting here and I listen to Jars of Clay sing....

"Sitting silent wearing Sunday best. The sermon echos through the walls. Calls to the people who stare into nowhere who can't feel the chains on their souls.

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heaven. Close as a heartbeat or songs on our lips.

Someday well trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call us and we will come running

We'll fall in His arms. The tears will fall down and well pray -

"I want. To fall in love. With you"

Mother Teresa said this to me today,

"There is much suffering in the world - very much. Suffering from hunger, from homelessness, from all kinds of diseases. But I still think the greatest suffering is being lonely, being unwanted, being unloved, just having no one, having forgotten what it is to have the human touch, human love.."

MAY WE BE KNOWN AND TAKE THE RISK OF RAWNESS.

It's takes much less energy than hiding.

Engine starting.... off we go

Lord, Help me to be Brave. To be Real. To find Authenticity at the core level. To Be the truest version of myself. I have a deep feeling these next few weeks are going to be as much about taking me to far away soulful places as it is being used to heal tiny broken hearts.

For you

All For You.

Yours, b